Home > Uncategorized > learning how to die.

learning how to die.

As I was driving the other day I was struck with this thought:

What if there truly was no pain? How would we then define ourselves? I know that the past has defined who I am and who I am becoming today; all the good, all the bad, all of it. It would be humanly impossible to not. It is how we take those good and terrible things into ourselves that matters. Positively? Hopefully, prayerfully [grit and grain of salt]. Downcast? Naturally; seemingly, mostly.

If I crossed to the other side right now, who would I be? My soul lives on, yes. What then would define my soul if not pain? Then, come the questions: what am I feeding my soul to make and mold me whole, and how much pain is defining me?

Inevitably, pain will define. (hopefully, prayerfully, grit, salt) There’s a choice whether that pain will then feed your soul whole, or not. With all the incredibly painful situations in my past, in my present and those that lie in the future, I’m beginning to view them as opportunity. Like clay.

“Hmm, what will I do with this?”

I tried to picture myself without any pain. No fear, no anxiousness. It was almost a scary thought, ironically. I’m trying to understand the hold it has on me… and is that hold, per say, holding me back from wholeness and who I am to be in the most true sense?

Maybe so.

—–

It is also funny how much we talk about the things that bring most joy to us. Or the times where we seemingly grew the most inwardly. It’s almost a state of nostalgia… but not quite. Not necessarily wishing we were “back there” in that moment, but longing for that moment again: with freshness.

I don’t want to become stale.

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Categories: Uncategorized
  1. April 14, 2009 at 4:29 PM

    blow my mind.

  2. April 19, 2009 at 8:22 PM

    beautiful beautiful thoughts. i’ve been reading them and rereading them for days. wanting to add, to say something. but i’m dumbstruck. thank you.

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